Welcome to 2012

So its new years!! I have to look back on the year of 2011 and pretty much say...fuck you!!! This year was indeed the year of change...I've been coming to grips with my HIV status and getting it under control...I've seen good friends move away..and I've even.experienced love and heart break!!! I've grown a little bit during my time in this year!!! I've leaned that I'm quick to love!! And that I feel I actually deserve being loved...for the lonegest time I felt that I didn't deserve to be loved..that I was a failure and that I was imperfect..that there was no one in.the world who would love me and what to be loved by me..I hated myself for the longest time...soon when I first found love..I was also realizing that I had an opportunity to be on my own..I took it and I was preparing to make my move into the real world..then mom had a stroke three weeks before I was going to move...my dreams of freedom where taken away from.me..I felt lost and helpless again..now feeling like a prisoner in my family home...just waiting for the end...the end of my mothers life amd mine to.begin...

It is now..the year 2012...I.have deemed this the year of uncertainty.  Will the world end?..will I survi another year with this virus?: will mom life after the.stroke get better? Will my relationship with my brother improve?...will I finally make that trip to.Chicago and will I fall inlove?..will I be alone for another year?...

Life is full of uncertainties..many would say that's what makes life memorable and worth living...

Only time will tell...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYOJE!

Gears of War 3: MST3K Dub - Gears of War 3 Video - - IGN

Gears of War 3: MST3K Dub - Gears of War 3 Video - - IGN

The year of Uncertainty

I old boss of mine sent me a message on Facebook the other day..she was concerned that I was becoming very public with my negativeity about the Christmas hoilday amd how it wasn't like me..she was right..it wasn't like me..but alot has happened since September and not all of it has been good...and by the end..its taken its toll on me...
I'm trying to keep my chin up and just make it through these last two weeks and hope that 2012..will be different.

Here's my letter to Facebook..

Dear Facebook..sorry for being so negative about the hoildays..I always said that 2011 was the year of change..well alot has change this year..some good change and some bad change..I think I've been punched and knocked out to many times by the emotional boxing gloves that I can't see hope anymore...I raise my toast to 2012..which I will deem it truely..the year of uncertainty!! See you at the stroke of midnight.

The cold sweat in the night

I'm here working a double shift and earlier this evening I came across a young man whom my feeling told me he may be gay!! So durring my night shift tonight I read his chart to learn his story..turns out he is gay. He's 21 years old and has been living with HIV since he was 16..he was discharge from the national gaurd because of it..amd he's been feeling hopeless and helpless and has had thoughts of wanting to end his life..there is more to the story, but I can't get into anymore detail then that..its 4am here at work and this is boddering me..its like something inside me wants to go and wake this kid up and hug him and let him know it will all be alright...I feel as if I need to do something...

I've always found myself gravating towards  paitents at my job whom I feel I can relate to..wheither it was through videogames, same philosophys on life, and or sexual orientation..but most of all..the paitents who felt lost and scared..the ones who don't know what there options are or who just feel that giving up is the one true option they have...

Right now I just want to go and wake this kid up and hug him and let him know that he's not alone...and that there is hope out there. This is; if anything the solid reason why I still do this job..its a need I have..a drive  that I believe will never die down..to find other who feel the same way as this kid does whether there carrying a life threatening virus in there blood or that there carrying a huge chip on there shoulders...this is what I'm meant to do..I'm going to continue to do my job with the best of my ability..but I've also got to start leading by example..there is life after HIV, there's life after heartbreak!! There is life after being rejected and the feelings of self hatred... I've still got alot of growing to do..its people like this kid and others that I've met that make me want to push myself to be the person they can confide in...

Every couple of weeks we get comment cards from past paitents..the ones I get say pretty much the same thing..

"David treated me with such care"
" He sat down and listend to my bullshit", " He listens, and he made me feel good"..

Those are some of the comments that really made me realized that's..fuck!! I'm actually doing a great job...a few of my coworkers say that I'm trying too hard and I'm not sappose to bend over backwards for these people...but you know what..I don't look at it as anything like that...I see it as if I was feeling like shit..I'd want someone to ask me why I felt like that...sometimes all it takes is one person to open there ears and listen...I'm going to do my best to do that..to help those who feel lost, helpless, fearful, lonely, the ones who are healthy and those who aren't..
Because at some point in everyones life..we've all felt like shit..

Welcome to the new revolution!!!

Hard pill to swollow

Mornings are getting tuffer to face..it's either I'm feeling lonely, rejected, and angry..or I feel as if I can't live within my own skin. Im feeling sick to my stomach some moments. I never remember ever feeling like this around the holiday time, But something is different. I feel alone. I feel lost. I know my meds are whats helping to keep me going and keep the virus at bay. but I now feel as if it's doing something else to me. Or it could just be my mind playing really bad tricks with my emotions.
I wish there was a place where I could go to just be alone and be at peace with myself. and I feel as if no matter who I choose to tell or share my thoughts with...I'll continue to be and feel alone. it's bad when you feel awkward in your own skin. I feel like a prisoner

And so the journey begins

I've offically signed up for BEAR PRIDE 18 in chicago which is in May of next year!!! I'm going to get there...I'm going to have the cash saved up, and more importantly, I'm going to be in shape. I'm watching what I'm eatting and I'm concentrating on keeping myself in shape and really feeling good about myself. 
Here are my goals:

1. to have up to $3,000 bucks saved up
2, to be down to 260 pounds

I know I can do it. I have faith in myself that I'll be able to do both my goals..plus I've got 6 months to accomplish my goals..So I've got more then enough time to do it.

Man...I can't wait..to be surranded by fellow bears, cub, chasers, and others like me. To feel happy and free again. To feel sexy again..and perhaps this time..i'll hook up with more guys..

I still wonder whats going to happen between Anthony and I. Are we just going to be friends? Does he want anything more? I'm slowly working up the courage to ask him. I've dropped hints here and there about using the term boyfriend or "bearfriend"..I like that..but my friends are telling me not to think too far into the future about this..and to just take it slow..

ha..I guess I'm still thinking that my life is like a stupid coming of age romantic comedy.

so my interest in sportss

So today took an interesting twist..I was happy that the New York Jets won..against the Chargers..and I watched my first official Rugby match..it was the world cup..so I was a big deal. New Zealand won by a point..and they totally where just eating away at the clock for the last 10 minutes.
I could really get into Rugby..besides..the guys are total Hotties…and they play practically naked with no armor..that’s a real mans sport to me..

need I say more!!!!

Cross Roads

I'm not sure why i'm awake right now...it's either the indegestion or i just couldn't stay still. I just felt that I couldn't stay asleep. its my last weekend here at home before mom returns. it's been a long month. I'm glad that she'll be coming home and that she'll be well..but apart of me is sad. that the inner peace i've bult up these last few weeks will dissapear. being able to come and go as I please..her voice not constintly in my head. me not feeling as if i've got to walk on egg shells. I felt as if I've been on borrowed time when she's around. That I was never truely free to be myself or to do the things that gave me joy!! its kind of intresting. I never went out clubing once since she's been gone. I never threw any parties or did anything I would have done a few years ago. perhaps thats a sign of change.
One of my dear friends, MaryAnn was right..I never doubted her for a momment anyway, but she was still right. After you've reached a certain age in your life...your personal time becomes so preceous to you that you'd don't want to waste it. You'd rather be alone and by yourself sometines then get involved with anyone or anything. not to say that you'd become a hermit..but you'd rather spend every waking moment of free time you have truely doing the things you enjoy and not doing things to please other people...
I choose not to go out..and you know what..I don't regreat it. I enjoyed every moment I had at home..in peace just playing games and sleeping in. I have a wonderful experience with a guy that with time..I may end up falling in love for. I kept my house clean..more or less..
I shouldn't think that I'm going to loose all these gifts that I've been given. thses are momments that I will charish forever..and I'll continue to have great momments. My job may suck, but it will get better. The decisions that I make for my future will be mine and mine alone and that I shouldn't fear them. I should trust my family. I should put more faith into my friends and never forsake them..I should learn to trust myself..thats the most important lession of all..keep myself on the path I'm walking.

They always say it's not the destination that matters..it's the journey..

Night shift refections

Every once and a while..I do a night shift at work and durring the I start thinking about my life and where it's going...One thing I've come to realize is that. As much as I try to run away from my family; I realize that I actually care about them. After seeing whats happend to my mother; with her stroke and her recovery. I care about what really happens to her. I always kept telling myself that she can handel things on her own and that all she needed me for was to be her puppet or errand boy. But I've had to face the honest truth is that. She needs me for so much more. She's getting older and weaker and I'm the only one she can turn to for answers.
I can't leave her...my time will come one day when I'll truely be without her. But until that time comes, I've got to be her right and left hand in things to come. I can't shy away from my responsibities to her. I look at alot of the paitients here at the hospital and wonder how far or where they fell off there path with the families they grew up with. How some of them have no one to go home to, no one to visit them. I wonder if I where in there place, would I have any family to call or any family to visit me.
For the longest time I kept telling myself that I don't need anyone other then my friends. That I trust them more then any of my family simply because they knew more about me then any of my family would ever know. I still think this; but I know deep down, truely that if ever I was in need..I know my family would actually be there..My brother would be there..and I know my mom would be there..
I don't know if I'll ever tell them about my illness..I feel that I couldn't give them that burden of always worrying if or when I ever get sick.
I think my mom would cry and never stop and perhaps my brother would be devestated aswell. Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting for my illness to take over. I'm still undeteatable and have been now for about year now..wow..amazing how time has flown by. since April 2, of 2010. I've got to thank my friends..who've always supported me and kept me going. My doctors who have done there best to keep my safe though medication and education, my case workers who welcomed me with a smile. At first I felt as if I've failed myself..but truthfully I didn't fail. I just got knocked down..I lost a battle but my fight is still going on and it will continue to go on til I win the war.
I know I shouldn't look at it like a battle. but sometimes life is like a battle..and other times it's just a simple journey where you place one foot in front of the other and you keep on walking. Sometimes with your head down and other times with you head looking upwards towards the skys for the clouds and the stars to guide you.

This is my revolution... all is welcome to join me in it..

I wish I could run away!!!

I woke up this morning and the first thought in my mind was...I wish I wasn't here...I just wish I was far away from here..living somewhere else. I just feel the clock ticking...

What the future may bring!!

It's soo intresting how life can change so fast sometimes. One moment, I'm sitting back just taking life one day at a time dealing with ups and downs and then the next; your thrusted forward with responsibities and choices that not only effect you but others around you aswell. I was looking so so forward to moving out and being on my own; and I keep wondering why I'm not angry about it. Whenever I'm close to doing something that by my definition is "epic" and my hopes get dashed in some way..I'm usually depressed and angry, but this time I'm not. I'm not bitter or resentful about my situation. And to top it all off..my doctor told me this morning that I have diabeties. I think after being diagnosed as hiv postive back in april 2010..nothing else matters. Nothing comes as a shock to me anymore. So, I'm a 30 year old, single,gay,black male, who has hiv and diabeties, and I'm living at home with my mother. I'm sure some would take this as being a "Loser" I think a year or so ago, I would be beating myself up for being in such a perdicament. I remember at age 19; I hated my life simply because I didn't have my licesnce and I felt worthless cause I felt no one loved me. Now at age 30; I've gone through the feelings of self-loathing and I've gone through the feelings and attidues of hating myself.

I've come to a cross road in my life this year...I don't think I feel worthy...I don't know why I which to use that term..but that how I feel. I'm comfortable right now. i've accepted the cards I was dealt. All I can do now is live for me...and take care of myself the best way of I can. Enjoy the small pleasures that my life can offer me and be as safe or daring as my mind and body will let me.

I remember telling myself as well as my friends that 2011 would be the year of change; weither it be good changes or bad changes. the world will continue to spin and people will continue to grow for better or worse.

"fear cannot touch me; it can only taunt me.
fear cannot lead me; just tell me where to go;
I can choose to follow or stay in my bed;
I cannot forget the things that I know;
The dead stay dead, they cannot walk;
The shadows are darkness; and darkness
can't talk"
                   "A Destiny of Souls" by Christorpher Rice

The Story So far...

So the story so far..since I know I've been gone for a few weeks..or at least it seems like a few weeks..I had planed to move out of my mothers house in two weeks into my buddies house which is 15 minutes away. Finally to be out on my own and to see what I can do with my life. I was working double shifts, seeing where I can budget my cash and start to really take some self responsibility for what I do and what I spend my money on. I told my mom about my plan and she was of course upset and crying..but understood my reasons for wanting to move out..The days grew long as I was waiting for the moving day to come..then last wedensday mom had a stroke..I took her to the emergency room and they confirmed it as a stoke..and if anything depending on your recovery..she'll need to have someone at the house to look after her..so my moving out has been cancelled. I don't know if it's hit me yet..that for now..I've lost my chance to be free..I was worried thinking this could be the start of the downward spiral to the end of her life as we know it.
I'll learn to deal with it..I've already excepted the fact that my soical life as I know it..may become even more restricted.

So this is something different..lets just hope I actually use it..

it's been a while..

So since i'm awake..i might as well give my updates on whats been going on over the last few weeks..I've been feeling like shit lately..my job has been getting to me more then usual..my moving date is approching and i'm still not too sure about a few things.. i'm debating about paying 8050 bucks for the room of my dreams compared to $650 for a basement room..I like the 650 price point..but i'm soo set on the upstairs room..with the wall closet..and i'm nervus about asking my new landlord about me possibly paying $750..so thats my major issue right now..and if anything..just getting the last pieces set up..with furnature and just waiting for the prevous tenent to move out..

God..this is was a whole lot of people have to go through on a daily bases..and i'm worried about mom..half of her face is sagging again..its her diabeties again..can i really leave her in this state...

God I wish i was someone else..where is this guilt coming from? like my freedom is not worth fighting for...

appreication

Alot of books, talk show host, guest speakers, and life coaches all state that..we should ignore the dissapointments and hardships we face..and learn to appreciate the blessing we have everyday! I'll say this much after surviving Hurricane Irene and having to work and sleep at the hospital all weekend...

I fucking hate my job..and I fucking hate hurricanes.
I fucking hate drug addicts with cluster B personalities..
I hate people who just choose to drag themselves through the mud and shit of there exsistance and not choose to make something of themseleves..
I know some people can't help the situations there born into..but at least for some..they choose to stay clean or stay grounded in whats right and whats wrong. I mean..right now..we've got a few paients who are vieatnam vets. I know for some of them..the nightmares, PTSD, and personal sturggels will never end..but..for some..they choose to seek help..talk about there nightmares, work through there internal emothoinal scaring and continue there life..
I can understand the need for escape...from the fears and chaos of what tomorrow might hold..but that escape being in the form of drugs, alcohal, and other high-risk activities or behaviors..acomplishes nothing but a momemtary fix and/or escape and for many..causes them to desire more and more of that escape..till all that matters is that..the need and escape and the type of medium needed to acomplish that desturtive goal....

Finding a Gamer Boyfriend

Man..it's unbelievable how difficult to find someone to date around my age and into gaming..No offense to Pokemon..but come on!!! Are there no gay guys out there who are into RPG and Sci Fi games and actually want to date..it's like all the gay guys i've met over the years..all they know of videogames are either too old to know what a PSP is or are only aware of Pokemon and Nintendo wii...I'm not against Nintendo by any means..but come on!! I'm 30 years old and there's like no one around here. All my friends tell me that i should think outside the game console box and look for non-gamer boyfriends. I'm not sure why I can't let that go. I remember back in college..the first guy I ever hooked up with was into Magic: the gathering and video games..we even lived together for a few years..pretty much only as friends with benefits..and sadly..I feel in love with him, but he never felt the same way..I remember we'd spend countless weekends staying up all night playing though games like "Marvel Ultimate Alliance and City of heroes..we'd talk and laugh about characters we hated and loved in the games we played. I want something like that soo badly. Someone who i can actually play Halo with and have a good time with. Someone to debate with about who's a more bad ass character Master Chief or Bayonetta. 

6 weeks and counting!!!

I don't know what compels me to do this..but I feel as if I need to..I shaved my head and my face tonight. I've offically reverted back to the age of 13..LOL. in doing so..I started looking back at my past experiences and I wonder what I could have done differently? I watch shows like "Doctor Who" and I wonder if I could do that? if I had the chance; would I enter the TARDIS ship and travel through history and time? knowing that the world I leave behind would be forever changed..moving forward without me..

I'm thinking of all the major moments in my life that brought me to this point. me being born in January instead of April like I was sappose to be? If I wasn't born with all these phyical defects? if my parents stayed together? if I was good at Math? if I actually played sports while in school? I could probibly go on forever..but I wonder? What or who would I be?

"Note for whoeve reads this, I'm not knocking myself or looking for pity in anyway..i'm just asking a question"

I've always gone by what people tell me. I've always been lead around by the hand or sometimes pulled by the arm towards one direction or another. I've never had control over anything in my life..I've been infulenced by so many things..TV, magaizes,(since i'm more of a pictures person then a words person), movies, and most importantily by the things people would say or yell at me. My brother always called me simple or stupid..my mom always called me wicked..so I always acted stupid or funny to get people to do things for me or to get people to like me. again..I never felt in control..I'm now 30..and for the first time I'm feeling in control of my decisions.

6 weeks and counting.. I'm moving out of my parents house..I've never lived alone before..I've never taken care of myself before..I've never truely had a moment to myself. Even now..in the back of my mind..I know that I'm not alone..my mom is in the next room sleeping. I've never fought my own battles, I've never gotten up off the ground by myself..
Two week ago I made the decision to do this...My new place wont be my own, but it will be in a place far away from everything I know and what I'm comfortable with. I'll be totally alone and you know..I'm scared of that..Some of my peers have said that this is like, " the college expericen" for me. 13 years late..but who's counting..again..Something compeled me to say "yes, I want this" to my friend Wayne a few weeks ago about one of his room becoming vacant at the end of September. I keep saying things to myself like, "I need this, I want this, I've got to try"
I was so conviced that i'd spend the rest of my life being alone and taking care of my mom..never to really grow up and always be under her umbrella of safety and domanace. I've always felt safe..but I also felt trapped.. That the reason I would never have someone to call my own was solely because of my living situation or because I was fat, or because I had the social skills of an shy 8 year old. I'd rather hide or look up at the stars while on a patio at a club surranded by all the beautiful gays!!! Hoping that one of them would come and swep me off my feet and treat me like the shy "girl" in all the coming of age brat pack movies i watched growing up.
For the longest time I felt like a girl trapped in a ugly boys body. I always identfyed with girls more. The self image issue..always expecting to be cute and perfect and attractive. Gentel and kind and sweet. When I was little I thought it all made sense why I liked boys..cause I was really a girl.. That thats what mom wanted. She already had a Son..and my older brother was pretty much the "Butch, masculine, fotballer, fast cars, and Penthouse/playboy magazine" type. Me I spent more time lost in my imagination wondering what it would be like to kiss Jake Ryan from 16 candels or to wear the dress in Cinderella and dance with the prince.
But alast..I'm a Guy..and I've come to a realization..I'm Gay!!! LOL Shocker huh..I still wish I was Cinderella though..

So where was I going with all this!!

So all the moments in my life? How did it come to me becoming this 5'10 fat black guy with a porn addiction?
lets just say..i've been sailing with the current of life and this so happens to be what I've been catching while just riding the crrents..but something has changed..I'm no longer sailing..I'm actually swiming against the tide. I feel asif I'm becoming stronger for it. I'm taking control..My fears aren't overpowering me like they usually do. I'm not letting my negative self talk talk me down from that leadge. I'm preparing to take that leap and do my best of fly!!1

okay that sounded corny..but its the best that I can come up with..

what sicken's me about people

what sicken's me about people are the fact that they can't deal with there problems...or the fact that the only thing some people can think of doing to deal with there problems is make other peoples lives miserible.
I know some people turn to alcohal and other turn to drugs to get through there problem..but there not really dealing with there problems; they are just masking it.

One of my major problems which I have learned to deal and manage is facing responisblities. I never paid my bills on time, and I've always sweap things under a rug when I never wanted to deal with it and I'd always say things like; "I'll take care of it later, or I'll wait for it to go away". I've come to learn that running away from something that boders you never works..it just gets worse as time goes by. I'm learning to tackle one issue at a time until all my real world problems finally have something of an answer.

It's funny how my perdictions for the year 2011 where right. At the stroke of midnight in 2011..I said to myself..that this is the year of great change.

I'm 30 years old and I've gotten a new car, I'm finally taking a step in moving on with my life and getting my own place, I've taken my first trip outside state lines all the way to Teaxes and back, I've fallen in love and suffered a broken heart all within a 5 day period. I've learned to stand on my own two feet and I'm still alive.  I reached a new level with my family, and I've learned how to say "NO" to the people or the things that I don't like.

I'm learning to give up on the things that have brought my pleasure for so long and I'm learning to experience new things. The only thing that remains is me learning to truely truely except that I'm HIV+. It's still a struggle. and I know it..but I know it's a battle that I will continue fighting. I also know that my life isn't over yet. it's far from over.

I look at alot of the paitenits that I work at our hospital here and I ask myself..."what made you give up?" "what happened in your life that brought you to this point?" and I know from over hearing alot of them are saying the same thing. "it's my father's fault" or "they just didn't understand what I was going thought"  or that "it's my sickness, which makes me not want to do it"  Some of my paitients who have a true sickness, I empathize with them. Sometimes our minds and our bodies are never truely in sync with each other. But for others...I can't help but wonder and question? The borderlines....the homeless..The kids who just couldn't stop after that first hit of acid durring the fish head concert.  I mean forgive me for being ignorent.. I know for some..they can not help what they do to themselves.  But for some...They take the cards they where dealt and they throw it away thinking that the world will deal them another hand...some call it "cheating the system". 

I'm not perfect by any means..by definition, I'm overweight and I've got HIV...until I loose the power of speech or/and the use of my arms and legs...I can't see myself living off of the means of others. We all need a helping hand at times, but sooner or later..many of us will have to face a trail on our own in one way or another.

I've got two friends of mine..both I've known for a long time. Lets call them J and T. "T" got laid off his job a few years back and has been on unemployment since that time. He's been working towards finishing his associates degree and bunching from one temp job to the other..in his free time..he's spends his days and weekends Cos-playing in a fantasy relam known only to some as Steampunk and has been in one failing realtionship after the other..it has been roughly 4 years since he's lost his job..he's in his earily 30's...and he has spent more time Cos-playing and upgrading his laptop..he's been in the associates programs for about 8 years now!!! and he's still has imcompletes in most of his classes...

My other friend "J" got laid off from his job about a year ago, he's since filed for bankrupcy to clear his debt, has been toturing kids on a the side for about a year to make money and has decided to go to grad school for teaching which he has enrolled in a city college and has already completed his first semester and passed one of his first major exams. For now he walks dogs to make some extra cash and uses his unemployment to pay for books, and gas in his car to travel between CT and New York.

Both guys in there late 20's, both unemployed..one in school for teaching at a grad school level..the other..in a community college for an associates degree in computers teachnology. I care about both of these guys..but one is thriving in the face of adversity while the other is constinitly looking at ways of upgrading his costume garb and is traveling between boston and pennsilvaina doing free speaking gigs..Both are extremily intelligent and ambisous. and both live with there parents.  I'm not judging either of them..I'm in no postion to judge..but I do worry.."T" is constinily playing russin rulet with his mom and dad where they have threaten to kick him out the house of nurmours occations.."J"'s mom has a decent realtionship with him and they've learned to work together.

I'm sicken by my friend "T"..so much that I rarely stand being around him. We all need hobbies..and I'm not condeming what he likes to do..for me..my hobbies envolve porn and videogames. but I know my work comes first and that without money..I cannot move forward with my dreams and my hobbies..I see school on the horizon for me. Not now..but soon..but I know my carrer will move forward. For my friend "J" I know he will continue to move forward in making a life for himself..for my friend "T" I'm not so sure..

All I can do is pray for both of them...okay I'm going to say this just to get it off my mind..."I mean, com'on..your in school for a fucking assoicates degree..which normaily takes about 2 years to complete..but for him..it's been close to a decade to finish it." It took me 6 years to finish a 4 year degree..but I finished it..and I kept my wits about me and focused on my work to finish it. And I know once I'm in grade school..I'll focus on that with all my heart to finish it and continuing with my life.

The end meaning of my rant is that..when faced with adversity..you've got to face it..and no amount of drugs, alcohal, or excuses will make it go away..all we can be thankful for if we've got others around us to help us carry the burden..either by giving us advice or helping us along the way...and sometimes..we need to learn to stand on our own two feet. It's hard and scary, but for alot of us..we can't get rid of everything with a pill or with

Starting Over

It's not always easy to start over..when you feel as if you've lost all your options.

I woke up this morning feeling very still..my dream from last night was that, my Highbiscus tree that I've had since mid july started to bloom. I was so happy since before hand it was just empty of blooms. I felt so good that from me taking care of something..it revived and started looking like a flowery plant instead of just a lifeless firn. But of course it was a dream. I woke up to realize that my plant was still the same. No bloosems, no flowers. It did't make me sad or anything..It just made me realize that...sometimes life is like a flower..there are going to be many moments whern things in your life will produce blooms while other times in your life will produce nothing..but you should never give up hope.

I still woke up with a great sense of peace in my mind. I feel my body changing with the coming weeks. I never thought that making the decision of Move would change me this much. I feel more in control and I feel more at peace with myself..

But even more..I feel that even if I do make a mistake..it's not the end of the world anymore. That I actually have hope for myself.

imperfect

I'm just wondering when people will accept the truth that we are all imperfect. We've all got issues and insecuritys. There are always things that we are going to want to change about ourselves either it being interior or exterior.  Its taken me a very long tme to start accepting my fauls and my short coming. I can't change the people around me. I can only change my actions and thoughts. There are things about my physical self I will never truly alter. The color of my skin, the length and size of cock, the shape of my ears, the color of my eye's. The fact that ill never win a strong man competition and the fact that iIl always have HIV flowing in my blood.  Its been a year and three months.  I'm still here and I'm still the smoking, bearest, funny dope that I still was a year ago. Someone once told me that when you turn 30; that's when everything changes!!! I didn't believe them at first. But I've finally realized that at age.30. That when I finally started to let go of my self, and truely truely.wake.up.. it is truely a brave new world. 

control

For some people its hard to know when is the right time or right situation to take, give up, share, or remain in control. For some of us..The choice of control is easy and for some its scary and full of uncertinties. I was always raised with the idea that you obey every law, you bow at everyone who is in a superior postion to you. I was always looked at as the servent. My prise came from being a subserviant to my family, teachers, and friends.

When I was in middle school, I thought the best way to be liked and not made fun of as the "Fat Mouth Breather" was to give things or buy things for other classmates. I mistook this as being nice and chivarist. It worked..I was looked as "The Nice Kid", "Teacher's Best", "The Funniest Kid in school". Mind you..I wasn't a Teachers pet...I just liked people asking me for things or to do things and I complied without hasitation.  If anything I was the perfect submissive at age 11. Too bad I didn't discover S&M till age 22.

I freely gave up control. I never wanted to make choices or have power...only in my imagination could I be the Hero and have superpowers..I could be in control...but in reality..being a fat queer kid; I had no choices or powers, or inner strength. Of course with age...feelings change, situations change, ideas change..but for my the internal struggle for control has always been and continues to be present. I'm scared of control...I fake it alot of times.. or sometimes I gain control through force and overbaring situations!!!!

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this...That we all would like someone to take care of us..take away the burden of control..in essance..being taking cared of. Someone to give and tell us what to do...since at least for me; It's always kept me from making mistakes. But the thing I've noticed from growing up and finally letting go..is that sometimes; taking control of yourself and your own destiny

Waiting for the end...

So..I started this blog yesturday and I'm still working on the first issue..explaining who and what I am..so I left off on my intrest..like gaming, comic books, movies, sleeping, watching porn. I save the porn intrest of for last since..I always save the best for last. 

So, what else can I share?

I grew up in a town turned wannabe Manhatan city called, Stamford. In the topshelf Highball state of Connecticut. I was born in 1981..a product of a Coming to America story of a Women named Daphne from the tiny Island of Jamaica; famous for it's beaches, Reggie Music, and lyinch mobs, homophobic hate crimes, hardcore christian beliefs, and Bob Marliey. Marliey wasn't like very much...My father was from a smaller country named Hati, famous for..voodoo practices, broken french, and pretty much being a shithole contry.
My favoite part about my family tree is that..aperently both contries jamaica and Haiti had a realtionship similar to the Montagues and Capulets, Hatfields and Macoys, Nerds and Geeks. Pretty much both culters didn't think too highly of the other..which made my mom and dads union kind of awarkward. Well as far as my grandmother was concerned..I never saw her smile in any of my moms wedding photos..Actually I don't think I saw my dad smiling either..as far as I can tell, none of the male members of the household ever smiled. We grined, but never smiled.  So mom was a nurse and dad worked for a industral company which made different items from printing paper to big company printers, fax machines, pretty much alot of office oreintated supplies.
        I don't know much about my Dad since my parents offically separted a few months before I was born..so i'm pretty sure I was mis-fire on my dads part. Mom believes I was one of those typical Miraicle babies. I was born 4 months eairly and I was kept in a glass boxs for 6 months. I pretty much could fit in the size of your hands. So ofcourse they all assumed I wouldn't survive and if I did I'd have a laundry list of mental and possible phyical defects. I'm conviced being "fat" is a phyical defect. My eyes where damaged from brith and i had lung problems forever..and yes..I'm a smoker..insert self-righteous comment right on my ass..after you kiss it. I've got an older brother who pretty much help raised me since I turned 12. My parents seporated on good terms. they still talked and my father had a closer relationship with my older brother..but didn't really care to interact with me. After watching an episode of "Dennis the Menice" on Nickelodien I asked my mom about my dad..and her answer was, "why do you need to know?, you've got me" After that my questions about who,what,where, and how my dad is or was pretty much died. He never crossed my mind really..while our mom worked Nights healing the sick and weak "out of a paycheck" and not out of the goodness of her soul..The end result..I was left to learn about the world from Zack Morris, Bill Cosby, Bob Ross, Thrunder Cats, Smurfs, Yogi bear, Mr. Wizard, Scrooge McDuck, Gummie Bears, He-Man, Rainbow Bright, Transformers, winnie the pooh, Vultron, Power Rangers, Julia Child, G.I. Joe, Clarissa explains it all, Double Dare, David the knome, Maya the Bee, Small Wonder, X-Men, Star Trek: TNG..I could really go on and on..but bottom line is..

TV was my Babysiter...and I'm proud of it.

Human interactions for me consisted of going to school for 6 hours a day and make a total fool of myself. I discoverd my love for attention; since I wasn't getting any at home...luckly, I wasn't a spoild kid, nor was I a distructive kid..I would call myself a courious kid. I was courious about what fire was..so i found matches and set a fire..of course once I found out that fire burns..i stopped and after a small burn in our living room rug and a swift ass whooping from mom; I really stopped, I was intrested in learning about building so I took the shapest knife in the kitchen and I accedently cut my thump open..and so I learned never to do that again..plus I found out how red my blood was. but other then that..I was nothing like the child paitients at my hospital which I work at...I'll get to that story in due time..

My Brother was the 600 pound gurillia in the mist. He always towered over me and he stepped

Welcome to my new revolution

okay..so it's a new day, new moment, new issues, failures, successes, loves, lost, and loosers. So..I'm cheating on my Livejournal.com page since it seems people have now bolted from that site and have now moved on to others with more substance.i.e. more actual bloggers..so let me introduce myself to all of you..for those who care and for those of just have nothing better to do..and believe me..if your reading this..you have don't..

So, I'm not going to blow my own horn or put myself up on a pedistal and say I'm the Man..cause I'm not. this blog will represent pretty much what alot of other people wish to do but are too afraid to do..I speak my mind..at least I'm now learning to speak my mind.

I'm 30 years old, videgames playing, porn watching, Cub..For those who don't know what a Cub is..it's pretty much a big dude who pretty much likes other big average sized dudes. yep! I'm a pufter..if you don't know what a pufter is..its a british slang for queer..if you don't know what a queer is..then you've been living under a rock!!! no worries..I enjoy rock music..I'm the guy who's always in the friends zone..I'm the guy who's always has the big ears to listen to everyone elses issues and the biggest organ I have is my heart. Some would say i'm a sucker..and not in a good way..
People tend to walk over me sometimes and I've allowed people to do that most of my adult life..till now that is..I choose my battles and sometimes I end up scared..and other times..I actually learn when not to put my hand in the fire..okay..I'm moving off the subject..So what else can I tell you about myself?

I enjoy learning new things about myself...As I'm getting older..Don't know if 30 is really calling yourself older..at least in"Gay" years i'm in my 60's..so perhaps I am old..but I'm not that wise..I like to travel..surffing the internet counts right?. I enjoy a action and science fiction movies.. I've always dreamed about what it would be like to be on the Star Ship Enterprize..and I'm not talking about Kirk's enterpirze..that ship looks like it was made out of cardborad..I'm talking abou "The Next Generation" Captain Jean-Luc Picards Enterprize. That ship was bad ass..and That's the star trek I grew up with. I enjoy exploring the real world aswell..