Night shift refections

Every once and a while..I do a night shift at work and durring the I start thinking about my life and where it's going...One thing I've come to realize is that. As much as I try to run away from my family; I realize that I actually care about them. After seeing whats happend to my mother; with her stroke and her recovery. I care about what really happens to her. I always kept telling myself that she can handel things on her own and that all she needed me for was to be her puppet or errand boy. But I've had to face the honest truth is that. She needs me for so much more. She's getting older and weaker and I'm the only one she can turn to for answers.
I can't leave her...my time will come one day when I'll truely be without her. But until that time comes, I've got to be her right and left hand in things to come. I can't shy away from my responsibities to her. I look at alot of the paitients here at the hospital and wonder how far or where they fell off there path with the families they grew up with. How some of them have no one to go home to, no one to visit them. I wonder if I where in there place, would I have any family to call or any family to visit me.
For the longest time I kept telling myself that I don't need anyone other then my friends. That I trust them more then any of my family simply because they knew more about me then any of my family would ever know. I still think this; but I know deep down, truely that if ever I was in need..I know my family would actually be there..My brother would be there..and I know my mom would be there..
I don't know if I'll ever tell them about my illness..I feel that I couldn't give them that burden of always worrying if or when I ever get sick.
I think my mom would cry and never stop and perhaps my brother would be devestated aswell. Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting for my illness to take over. I'm still undeteatable and have been now for about year now..wow..amazing how time has flown by. since April 2, of 2010. I've got to thank my friends..who've always supported me and kept me going. My doctors who have done there best to keep my safe though medication and education, my case workers who welcomed me with a smile. At first I felt as if I've failed myself..but truthfully I didn't fail. I just got knocked down..I lost a battle but my fight is still going on and it will continue to go on til I win the war.
I know I shouldn't look at it like a battle. but sometimes life is like a battle..and other times it's just a simple journey where you place one foot in front of the other and you keep on walking. Sometimes with your head down and other times with you head looking upwards towards the skys for the clouds and the stars to guide you.

This is my revolution... all is welcome to join me in it..

I wish I could run away!!!

I woke up this morning and the first thought in my mind was...I wish I wasn't here...I just wish I was far away from here..living somewhere else. I just feel the clock ticking...

What the future may bring!!

It's soo intresting how life can change so fast sometimes. One moment, I'm sitting back just taking life one day at a time dealing with ups and downs and then the next; your thrusted forward with responsibities and choices that not only effect you but others around you aswell. I was looking so so forward to moving out and being on my own; and I keep wondering why I'm not angry about it. Whenever I'm close to doing something that by my definition is "epic" and my hopes get dashed in some way..I'm usually depressed and angry, but this time I'm not. I'm not bitter or resentful about my situation. And to top it all off..my doctor told me this morning that I have diabeties. I think after being diagnosed as hiv postive back in april 2010..nothing else matters. Nothing comes as a shock to me anymore. So, I'm a 30 year old, single,gay,black male, who has hiv and diabeties, and I'm living at home with my mother. I'm sure some would take this as being a "Loser" I think a year or so ago, I would be beating myself up for being in such a perdicament. I remember at age 19; I hated my life simply because I didn't have my licesnce and I felt worthless cause I felt no one loved me. Now at age 30; I've gone through the feelings of self-loathing and I've gone through the feelings and attidues of hating myself.

I've come to a cross road in my life this year...I don't think I feel worthy...I don't know why I which to use that term..but that how I feel. I'm comfortable right now. i've accepted the cards I was dealt. All I can do now is live for me...and take care of myself the best way of I can. Enjoy the small pleasures that my life can offer me and be as safe or daring as my mind and body will let me.

I remember telling myself as well as my friends that 2011 would be the year of change; weither it be good changes or bad changes. the world will continue to spin and people will continue to grow for better or worse.

"fear cannot touch me; it can only taunt me.
fear cannot lead me; just tell me where to go;
I can choose to follow or stay in my bed;
I cannot forget the things that I know;
The dead stay dead, they cannot walk;
The shadows are darkness; and darkness
can't talk"
                   "A Destiny of Souls" by Christorpher Rice

The Story So far...

So the story so far..since I know I've been gone for a few weeks..or at least it seems like a few weeks..I had planed to move out of my mothers house in two weeks into my buddies house which is 15 minutes away. Finally to be out on my own and to see what I can do with my life. I was working double shifts, seeing where I can budget my cash and start to really take some self responsibility for what I do and what I spend my money on. I told my mom about my plan and she was of course upset and crying..but understood my reasons for wanting to move out..The days grew long as I was waiting for the moving day to come..then last wedensday mom had a stroke..I took her to the emergency room and they confirmed it as a stoke..and if anything depending on your recovery..she'll need to have someone at the house to look after her..so my moving out has been cancelled. I don't know if it's hit me yet..that for now..I've lost my chance to be free..I was worried thinking this could be the start of the downward spiral to the end of her life as we know it.
I'll learn to deal with it..I've already excepted the fact that my soical life as I know it..may become even more restricted.

So this is something different..lets just hope I actually use it..

it's been a while..

So since i'm awake..i might as well give my updates on whats been going on over the last few weeks..I've been feeling like shit lately..my job has been getting to me more then usual..my moving date is approching and i'm still not too sure about a few things.. i'm debating about paying 8050 bucks for the room of my dreams compared to $650 for a basement room..I like the 650 price point..but i'm soo set on the upstairs room..with the wall closet..and i'm nervus about asking my new landlord about me possibly paying $750..so thats my major issue right now..and if anything..just getting the last pieces set up..with furnature and just waiting for the prevous tenent to move out..

God..this is was a whole lot of people have to go through on a daily bases..and i'm worried about mom..half of her face is sagging again..its her diabeties again..can i really leave her in this state...

God I wish i was someone else..where is this guilt coming from? like my freedom is not worth fighting for...