control

For some people its hard to know when is the right time or right situation to take, give up, share, or remain in control. For some of us..The choice of control is easy and for some its scary and full of uncertinties. I was always raised with the idea that you obey every law, you bow at everyone who is in a superior postion to you. I was always looked at as the servent. My prise came from being a subserviant to my family, teachers, and friends.

When I was in middle school, I thought the best way to be liked and not made fun of as the "Fat Mouth Breather" was to give things or buy things for other classmates. I mistook this as being nice and chivarist. It worked..I was looked as "The Nice Kid", "Teacher's Best", "The Funniest Kid in school". Mind you..I wasn't a Teachers pet...I just liked people asking me for things or to do things and I complied without hasitation.  If anything I was the perfect submissive at age 11. Too bad I didn't discover S&M till age 22.

I freely gave up control. I never wanted to make choices or have power...only in my imagination could I be the Hero and have superpowers..I could be in control...but in reality..being a fat queer kid; I had no choices or powers, or inner strength. Of course with age...feelings change, situations change, ideas change..but for my the internal struggle for control has always been and continues to be present. I'm scared of control...I fake it alot of times.. or sometimes I gain control through force and overbaring situations!!!!

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this...That we all would like someone to take care of us..take away the burden of control..in essance..being taking cared of. Someone to give and tell us what to do...since at least for me; It's always kept me from making mistakes. But the thing I've noticed from growing up and finally letting go..is that sometimes; taking control of yourself and your own destiny