Every once and a while..I do a night shift at work and durring the I start thinking about my life and where it's going...One thing I've come to realize is that. As much as I try to run away from my family; I realize that I actually care about them. After seeing whats happend to my mother; with her stroke and her recovery. I care about what really happens to her. I always kept telling myself that she can handel things on her own and that all she needed me for was to be her puppet or errand boy. But I've had to face the honest truth is that. She needs me for so much more. She's getting older and weaker and I'm the only one she can turn to for answers.
I can't leave her...my time will come one day when I'll truely be without her. But until that time comes, I've got to be her right and left hand in things to come. I can't shy away from my responsibities to her. I look at alot of the paitients here at the hospital and wonder how far or where they fell off there path with the families they grew up with. How some of them have no one to go home to, no one to visit them. I wonder if I where in there place, would I have any family to call or any family to visit me.
For the longest time I kept telling myself that I don't need anyone other then my friends. That I trust them more then any of my family simply because they knew more about me then any of my family would ever know. I still think this; but I know deep down, truely that if ever I was in need..I know my family would actually be there..My brother would be there..and I know my mom would be there..
I don't know if I'll ever tell them about my illness..I feel that I couldn't give them that burden of always worrying if or when I ever get sick.
I think my mom would cry and never stop and perhaps my brother would be devestated aswell. Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting for my illness to take over. I'm still undeteatable and have been now for about year now..wow..amazing how time has flown by. since April 2, of 2010. I've got to thank my friends..who've always supported me and kept me going. My doctors who have done there best to keep my safe though medication and education, my case workers who welcomed me with a smile. At first I felt as if I've failed myself..but truthfully I didn't fail. I just got knocked down..I lost a battle but my fight is still going on and it will continue to go on til I win the war.
I know I shouldn't look at it like a battle. but sometimes life is like a battle..and other times it's just a simple journey where you place one foot in front of the other and you keep on walking. Sometimes with your head down and other times with you head looking upwards towards the skys for the clouds and the stars to guide you.
This is my revolution... all is welcome to join me in it..
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