6 weeks and counting!!!

I don't know what compels me to do this..but I feel as if I need to..I shaved my head and my face tonight. I've offically reverted back to the age of 13..LOL. in doing so..I started looking back at my past experiences and I wonder what I could have done differently? I watch shows like "Doctor Who" and I wonder if I could do that? if I had the chance; would I enter the TARDIS ship and travel through history and time? knowing that the world I leave behind would be forever changed..moving forward without me..

I'm thinking of all the major moments in my life that brought me to this point. me being born in January instead of April like I was sappose to be? If I wasn't born with all these phyical defects? if my parents stayed together? if I was good at Math? if I actually played sports while in school? I could probibly go on forever..but I wonder? What or who would I be?

"Note for whoeve reads this, I'm not knocking myself or looking for pity in anyway..i'm just asking a question"

I've always gone by what people tell me. I've always been lead around by the hand or sometimes pulled by the arm towards one direction or another. I've never had control over anything in my life..I've been infulenced by so many things..TV, magaizes,(since i'm more of a pictures person then a words person), movies, and most importantily by the things people would say or yell at me. My brother always called me simple or stupid..my mom always called me wicked..so I always acted stupid or funny to get people to do things for me or to get people to like me. again..I never felt in control..I'm now 30..and for the first time I'm feeling in control of my decisions.

6 weeks and counting.. I'm moving out of my parents house..I've never lived alone before..I've never taken care of myself before..I've never truely had a moment to myself. Even now..in the back of my mind..I know that I'm not alone..my mom is in the next room sleeping. I've never fought my own battles, I've never gotten up off the ground by myself..
Two week ago I made the decision to do this...My new place wont be my own, but it will be in a place far away from everything I know and what I'm comfortable with. I'll be totally alone and you know..I'm scared of that..Some of my peers have said that this is like, " the college expericen" for me. 13 years late..but who's counting..again..Something compeled me to say "yes, I want this" to my friend Wayne a few weeks ago about one of his room becoming vacant at the end of September. I keep saying things to myself like, "I need this, I want this, I've got to try"
I was so conviced that i'd spend the rest of my life being alone and taking care of my mom..never to really grow up and always be under her umbrella of safety and domanace. I've always felt safe..but I also felt trapped.. That the reason I would never have someone to call my own was solely because of my living situation or because I was fat, or because I had the social skills of an shy 8 year old. I'd rather hide or look up at the stars while on a patio at a club surranded by all the beautiful gays!!! Hoping that one of them would come and swep me off my feet and treat me like the shy "girl" in all the coming of age brat pack movies i watched growing up.
For the longest time I felt like a girl trapped in a ugly boys body. I always identfyed with girls more. The self image issue..always expecting to be cute and perfect and attractive. Gentel and kind and sweet. When I was little I thought it all made sense why I liked boys..cause I was really a girl.. That thats what mom wanted. She already had a Son..and my older brother was pretty much the "Butch, masculine, fotballer, fast cars, and Penthouse/playboy magazine" type. Me I spent more time lost in my imagination wondering what it would be like to kiss Jake Ryan from 16 candels or to wear the dress in Cinderella and dance with the prince.
But alast..I'm a Guy..and I've come to a realization..I'm Gay!!! LOL Shocker huh..I still wish I was Cinderella though..

So where was I going with all this!!

So all the moments in my life? How did it come to me becoming this 5'10 fat black guy with a porn addiction?
lets just say..i've been sailing with the current of life and this so happens to be what I've been catching while just riding the crrents..but something has changed..I'm no longer sailing..I'm actually swiming against the tide. I feel asif I'm becoming stronger for it. I'm taking control..My fears aren't overpowering me like they usually do. I'm not letting my negative self talk talk me down from that leadge. I'm preparing to take that leap and do my best of fly!!1

okay that sounded corny..but its the best that I can come up with..