appreication

Alot of books, talk show host, guest speakers, and life coaches all state that..we should ignore the dissapointments and hardships we face..and learn to appreciate the blessing we have everyday! I'll say this much after surviving Hurricane Irene and having to work and sleep at the hospital all weekend...

I fucking hate my job..and I fucking hate hurricanes.
I fucking hate drug addicts with cluster B personalities..
I hate people who just choose to drag themselves through the mud and shit of there exsistance and not choose to make something of themseleves..
I know some people can't help the situations there born into..but at least for some..they choose to stay clean or stay grounded in whats right and whats wrong. I mean..right now..we've got a few paients who are vieatnam vets. I know for some of them..the nightmares, PTSD, and personal sturggels will never end..but..for some..they choose to seek help..talk about there nightmares, work through there internal emothoinal scaring and continue there life..
I can understand the need for escape...from the fears and chaos of what tomorrow might hold..but that escape being in the form of drugs, alcohal, and other high-risk activities or behaviors..acomplishes nothing but a momemtary fix and/or escape and for many..causes them to desire more and more of that escape..till all that matters is that..the need and escape and the type of medium needed to acomplish that desturtive goal....

Finding a Gamer Boyfriend

Man..it's unbelievable how difficult to find someone to date around my age and into gaming..No offense to Pokemon..but come on!!! Are there no gay guys out there who are into RPG and Sci Fi games and actually want to date..it's like all the gay guys i've met over the years..all they know of videogames are either too old to know what a PSP is or are only aware of Pokemon and Nintendo wii...I'm not against Nintendo by any means..but come on!! I'm 30 years old and there's like no one around here. All my friends tell me that i should think outside the game console box and look for non-gamer boyfriends. I'm not sure why I can't let that go. I remember back in college..the first guy I ever hooked up with was into Magic: the gathering and video games..we even lived together for a few years..pretty much only as friends with benefits..and sadly..I feel in love with him, but he never felt the same way..I remember we'd spend countless weekends staying up all night playing though games like "Marvel Ultimate Alliance and City of heroes..we'd talk and laugh about characters we hated and loved in the games we played. I want something like that soo badly. Someone who i can actually play Halo with and have a good time with. Someone to debate with about who's a more bad ass character Master Chief or Bayonetta. 

6 weeks and counting!!!

I don't know what compels me to do this..but I feel as if I need to..I shaved my head and my face tonight. I've offically reverted back to the age of 13..LOL. in doing so..I started looking back at my past experiences and I wonder what I could have done differently? I watch shows like "Doctor Who" and I wonder if I could do that? if I had the chance; would I enter the TARDIS ship and travel through history and time? knowing that the world I leave behind would be forever changed..moving forward without me..

I'm thinking of all the major moments in my life that brought me to this point. me being born in January instead of April like I was sappose to be? If I wasn't born with all these phyical defects? if my parents stayed together? if I was good at Math? if I actually played sports while in school? I could probibly go on forever..but I wonder? What or who would I be?

"Note for whoeve reads this, I'm not knocking myself or looking for pity in anyway..i'm just asking a question"

I've always gone by what people tell me. I've always been lead around by the hand or sometimes pulled by the arm towards one direction or another. I've never had control over anything in my life..I've been infulenced by so many things..TV, magaizes,(since i'm more of a pictures person then a words person), movies, and most importantily by the things people would say or yell at me. My brother always called me simple or stupid..my mom always called me wicked..so I always acted stupid or funny to get people to do things for me or to get people to like me. again..I never felt in control..I'm now 30..and for the first time I'm feeling in control of my decisions.

6 weeks and counting.. I'm moving out of my parents house..I've never lived alone before..I've never taken care of myself before..I've never truely had a moment to myself. Even now..in the back of my mind..I know that I'm not alone..my mom is in the next room sleeping. I've never fought my own battles, I've never gotten up off the ground by myself..
Two week ago I made the decision to do this...My new place wont be my own, but it will be in a place far away from everything I know and what I'm comfortable with. I'll be totally alone and you know..I'm scared of that..Some of my peers have said that this is like, " the college expericen" for me. 13 years late..but who's counting..again..Something compeled me to say "yes, I want this" to my friend Wayne a few weeks ago about one of his room becoming vacant at the end of September. I keep saying things to myself like, "I need this, I want this, I've got to try"
I was so conviced that i'd spend the rest of my life being alone and taking care of my mom..never to really grow up and always be under her umbrella of safety and domanace. I've always felt safe..but I also felt trapped.. That the reason I would never have someone to call my own was solely because of my living situation or because I was fat, or because I had the social skills of an shy 8 year old. I'd rather hide or look up at the stars while on a patio at a club surranded by all the beautiful gays!!! Hoping that one of them would come and swep me off my feet and treat me like the shy "girl" in all the coming of age brat pack movies i watched growing up.
For the longest time I felt like a girl trapped in a ugly boys body. I always identfyed with girls more. The self image issue..always expecting to be cute and perfect and attractive. Gentel and kind and sweet. When I was little I thought it all made sense why I liked boys..cause I was really a girl.. That thats what mom wanted. She already had a Son..and my older brother was pretty much the "Butch, masculine, fotballer, fast cars, and Penthouse/playboy magazine" type. Me I spent more time lost in my imagination wondering what it would be like to kiss Jake Ryan from 16 candels or to wear the dress in Cinderella and dance with the prince.
But alast..I'm a Guy..and I've come to a realization..I'm Gay!!! LOL Shocker huh..I still wish I was Cinderella though..

So where was I going with all this!!

So all the moments in my life? How did it come to me becoming this 5'10 fat black guy with a porn addiction?
lets just say..i've been sailing with the current of life and this so happens to be what I've been catching while just riding the crrents..but something has changed..I'm no longer sailing..I'm actually swiming against the tide. I feel asif I'm becoming stronger for it. I'm taking control..My fears aren't overpowering me like they usually do. I'm not letting my negative self talk talk me down from that leadge. I'm preparing to take that leap and do my best of fly!!1

okay that sounded corny..but its the best that I can come up with..

what sicken's me about people

what sicken's me about people are the fact that they can't deal with there problems...or the fact that the only thing some people can think of doing to deal with there problems is make other peoples lives miserible.
I know some people turn to alcohal and other turn to drugs to get through there problem..but there not really dealing with there problems; they are just masking it.

One of my major problems which I have learned to deal and manage is facing responisblities. I never paid my bills on time, and I've always sweap things under a rug when I never wanted to deal with it and I'd always say things like; "I'll take care of it later, or I'll wait for it to go away". I've come to learn that running away from something that boders you never works..it just gets worse as time goes by. I'm learning to tackle one issue at a time until all my real world problems finally have something of an answer.

It's funny how my perdictions for the year 2011 where right. At the stroke of midnight in 2011..I said to myself..that this is the year of great change.

I'm 30 years old and I've gotten a new car, I'm finally taking a step in moving on with my life and getting my own place, I've taken my first trip outside state lines all the way to Teaxes and back, I've fallen in love and suffered a broken heart all within a 5 day period. I've learned to stand on my own two feet and I'm still alive.  I reached a new level with my family, and I've learned how to say "NO" to the people or the things that I don't like.

I'm learning to give up on the things that have brought my pleasure for so long and I'm learning to experience new things. The only thing that remains is me learning to truely truely except that I'm HIV+. It's still a struggle. and I know it..but I know it's a battle that I will continue fighting. I also know that my life isn't over yet. it's far from over.

I look at alot of the paitenits that I work at our hospital here and I ask myself..."what made you give up?" "what happened in your life that brought you to this point?" and I know from over hearing alot of them are saying the same thing. "it's my father's fault" or "they just didn't understand what I was going thought"  or that "it's my sickness, which makes me not want to do it"  Some of my paitients who have a true sickness, I empathize with them. Sometimes our minds and our bodies are never truely in sync with each other. But for others...I can't help but wonder and question? The borderlines....the homeless..The kids who just couldn't stop after that first hit of acid durring the fish head concert.  I mean forgive me for being ignorent.. I know for some..they can not help what they do to themselves.  But for some...They take the cards they where dealt and they throw it away thinking that the world will deal them another hand...some call it "cheating the system". 

I'm not perfect by any means..by definition, I'm overweight and I've got HIV...until I loose the power of speech or/and the use of my arms and legs...I can't see myself living off of the means of others. We all need a helping hand at times, but sooner or later..many of us will have to face a trail on our own in one way or another.

I've got two friends of mine..both I've known for a long time. Lets call them J and T. "T" got laid off his job a few years back and has been on unemployment since that time. He's been working towards finishing his associates degree and bunching from one temp job to the other..in his free time..he's spends his days and weekends Cos-playing in a fantasy relam known only to some as Steampunk and has been in one failing realtionship after the other..it has been roughly 4 years since he's lost his job..he's in his earily 30's...and he has spent more time Cos-playing and upgrading his laptop..he's been in the associates programs for about 8 years now!!! and he's still has imcompletes in most of his classes...

My other friend "J" got laid off from his job about a year ago, he's since filed for bankrupcy to clear his debt, has been toturing kids on a the side for about a year to make money and has decided to go to grad school for teaching which he has enrolled in a city college and has already completed his first semester and passed one of his first major exams. For now he walks dogs to make some extra cash and uses his unemployment to pay for books, and gas in his car to travel between CT and New York.

Both guys in there late 20's, both unemployed..one in school for teaching at a grad school level..the other..in a community college for an associates degree in computers teachnology. I care about both of these guys..but one is thriving in the face of adversity while the other is constinitly looking at ways of upgrading his costume garb and is traveling between boston and pennsilvaina doing free speaking gigs..Both are extremily intelligent and ambisous. and both live with there parents.  I'm not judging either of them..I'm in no postion to judge..but I do worry.."T" is constinily playing russin rulet with his mom and dad where they have threaten to kick him out the house of nurmours occations.."J"'s mom has a decent realtionship with him and they've learned to work together.

I'm sicken by my friend "T"..so much that I rarely stand being around him. We all need hobbies..and I'm not condeming what he likes to do..for me..my hobbies envolve porn and videogames. but I know my work comes first and that without money..I cannot move forward with my dreams and my hobbies..I see school on the horizon for me. Not now..but soon..but I know my carrer will move forward. For my friend "J" I know he will continue to move forward in making a life for himself..for my friend "T" I'm not so sure..

All I can do is pray for both of them...okay I'm going to say this just to get it off my mind..."I mean, com'on..your in school for a fucking assoicates degree..which normaily takes about 2 years to complete..but for him..it's been close to a decade to finish it." It took me 6 years to finish a 4 year degree..but I finished it..and I kept my wits about me and focused on my work to finish it. And I know once I'm in grade school..I'll focus on that with all my heart to finish it and continuing with my life.

The end meaning of my rant is that..when faced with adversity..you've got to face it..and no amount of drugs, alcohal, or excuses will make it go away..all we can be thankful for if we've got others around us to help us carry the burden..either by giving us advice or helping us along the way...and sometimes..we need to learn to stand on our own two feet. It's hard and scary, but for alot of us..we can't get rid of everything with a pill or with

Starting Over

It's not always easy to start over..when you feel as if you've lost all your options.

I woke up this morning feeling very still..my dream from last night was that, my Highbiscus tree that I've had since mid july started to bloom. I was so happy since before hand it was just empty of blooms. I felt so good that from me taking care of something..it revived and started looking like a flowery plant instead of just a lifeless firn. But of course it was a dream. I woke up to realize that my plant was still the same. No bloosems, no flowers. It did't make me sad or anything..It just made me realize that...sometimes life is like a flower..there are going to be many moments whern things in your life will produce blooms while other times in your life will produce nothing..but you should never give up hope.

I still woke up with a great sense of peace in my mind. I feel my body changing with the coming weeks. I never thought that making the decision of Move would change me this much. I feel more in control and I feel more at peace with myself..

But even more..I feel that even if I do make a mistake..it's not the end of the world anymore. That I actually have hope for myself.

imperfect

I'm just wondering when people will accept the truth that we are all imperfect. We've all got issues and insecuritys. There are always things that we are going to want to change about ourselves either it being interior or exterior.  Its taken me a very long tme to start accepting my fauls and my short coming. I can't change the people around me. I can only change my actions and thoughts. There are things about my physical self I will never truly alter. The color of my skin, the length and size of cock, the shape of my ears, the color of my eye's. The fact that ill never win a strong man competition and the fact that iIl always have HIV flowing in my blood.  Its been a year and three months.  I'm still here and I'm still the smoking, bearest, funny dope that I still was a year ago. Someone once told me that when you turn 30; that's when everything changes!!! I didn't believe them at first. But I've finally realized that at age.30. That when I finally started to let go of my self, and truely truely.wake.up.. it is truely a brave new world. 

control

For some people its hard to know when is the right time or right situation to take, give up, share, or remain in control. For some of us..The choice of control is easy and for some its scary and full of uncertinties. I was always raised with the idea that you obey every law, you bow at everyone who is in a superior postion to you. I was always looked at as the servent. My prise came from being a subserviant to my family, teachers, and friends.

When I was in middle school, I thought the best way to be liked and not made fun of as the "Fat Mouth Breather" was to give things or buy things for other classmates. I mistook this as being nice and chivarist. It worked..I was looked as "The Nice Kid", "Teacher's Best", "The Funniest Kid in school". Mind you..I wasn't a Teachers pet...I just liked people asking me for things or to do things and I complied without hasitation.  If anything I was the perfect submissive at age 11. Too bad I didn't discover S&M till age 22.

I freely gave up control. I never wanted to make choices or have power...only in my imagination could I be the Hero and have superpowers..I could be in control...but in reality..being a fat queer kid; I had no choices or powers, or inner strength. Of course with age...feelings change, situations change, ideas change..but for my the internal struggle for control has always been and continues to be present. I'm scared of control...I fake it alot of times.. or sometimes I gain control through force and overbaring situations!!!!

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this...That we all would like someone to take care of us..take away the burden of control..in essance..being taking cared of. Someone to give and tell us what to do...since at least for me; It's always kept me from making mistakes. But the thing I've noticed from growing up and finally letting go..is that sometimes; taking control of yourself and your own destiny