Welcome to 2012

So its new years!! I have to look back on the year of 2011 and pretty much say...fuck you!!! This year was indeed the year of change...I've been coming to grips with my HIV status and getting it under control...I've seen good friends move away..and I've even.experienced love and heart break!!! I've grown a little bit during my time in this year!!! I've leaned that I'm quick to love!! And that I feel I actually deserve being loved...for the lonegest time I felt that I didn't deserve to be loved..that I was a failure and that I was imperfect..that there was no one in.the world who would love me and what to be loved by me..I hated myself for the longest time...soon when I first found love..I was also realizing that I had an opportunity to be on my own..I took it and I was preparing to make my move into the real world..then mom had a stroke three weeks before I was going to move...my dreams of freedom where taken away from.me..I felt lost and helpless again..now feeling like a prisoner in my family home...just waiting for the end...the end of my mothers life amd mine to.begin...

It is now..the year 2012...I.have deemed this the year of uncertainty.  Will the world end?..will I survi another year with this virus?: will mom life after the.stroke get better? Will my relationship with my brother improve?...will I finally make that trip to.Chicago and will I fall inlove?..will I be alone for another year?...

Life is full of uncertainties..many would say that's what makes life memorable and worth living...

Only time will tell...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYOJE!

Gears of War 3: MST3K Dub - Gears of War 3 Video - - IGN

Gears of War 3: MST3K Dub - Gears of War 3 Video - - IGN

The year of Uncertainty

I old boss of mine sent me a message on Facebook the other day..she was concerned that I was becoming very public with my negativeity about the Christmas hoilday amd how it wasn't like me..she was right..it wasn't like me..but alot has happened since September and not all of it has been good...and by the end..its taken its toll on me...
I'm trying to keep my chin up and just make it through these last two weeks and hope that 2012..will be different.

Here's my letter to Facebook..

Dear Facebook..sorry for being so negative about the hoildays..I always said that 2011 was the year of change..well alot has change this year..some good change and some bad change..I think I've been punched and knocked out to many times by the emotional boxing gloves that I can't see hope anymore...I raise my toast to 2012..which I will deem it truely..the year of uncertainty!! See you at the stroke of midnight.

The cold sweat in the night

I'm here working a double shift and earlier this evening I came across a young man whom my feeling told me he may be gay!! So durring my night shift tonight I read his chart to learn his story..turns out he is gay. He's 21 years old and has been living with HIV since he was 16..he was discharge from the national gaurd because of it..amd he's been feeling hopeless and helpless and has had thoughts of wanting to end his life..there is more to the story, but I can't get into anymore detail then that..its 4am here at work and this is boddering me..its like something inside me wants to go and wake this kid up and hug him and let him know it will all be alright...I feel as if I need to do something...

I've always found myself gravating towards  paitents at my job whom I feel I can relate to..wheither it was through videogames, same philosophys on life, and or sexual orientation..but most of all..the paitents who felt lost and scared..the ones who don't know what there options are or who just feel that giving up is the one true option they have...

Right now I just want to go and wake this kid up and hug him and let him know that he's not alone...and that there is hope out there. This is; if anything the solid reason why I still do this job..its a need I have..a drive  that I believe will never die down..to find other who feel the same way as this kid does whether there carrying a life threatening virus in there blood or that there carrying a huge chip on there shoulders...this is what I'm meant to do..I'm going to continue to do my job with the best of my ability..but I've also got to start leading by example..there is life after HIV, there's life after heartbreak!! There is life after being rejected and the feelings of self hatred... I've still got alot of growing to do..its people like this kid and others that I've met that make me want to push myself to be the person they can confide in...

Every couple of weeks we get comment cards from past paitents..the ones I get say pretty much the same thing..

"David treated me with such care"
" He sat down and listend to my bullshit", " He listens, and he made me feel good"..

Those are some of the comments that really made me realized that's..fuck!! I'm actually doing a great job...a few of my coworkers say that I'm trying too hard and I'm not sappose to bend over backwards for these people...but you know what..I don't look at it as anything like that...I see it as if I was feeling like shit..I'd want someone to ask me why I felt like that...sometimes all it takes is one person to open there ears and listen...I'm going to do my best to do that..to help those who feel lost, helpless, fearful, lonely, the ones who are healthy and those who aren't..
Because at some point in everyones life..we've all felt like shit..

Welcome to the new revolution!!!

Hard pill to swollow

Mornings are getting tuffer to face..it's either I'm feeling lonely, rejected, and angry..or I feel as if I can't live within my own skin. Im feeling sick to my stomach some moments. I never remember ever feeling like this around the holiday time, But something is different. I feel alone. I feel lost. I know my meds are whats helping to keep me going and keep the virus at bay. but I now feel as if it's doing something else to me. Or it could just be my mind playing really bad tricks with my emotions.
I wish there was a place where I could go to just be alone and be at peace with myself. and I feel as if no matter who I choose to tell or share my thoughts with...I'll continue to be and feel alone. it's bad when you feel awkward in your own skin. I feel like a prisoner

And so the journey begins

I've offically signed up for BEAR PRIDE 18 in chicago which is in May of next year!!! I'm going to get there...I'm going to have the cash saved up, and more importantly, I'm going to be in shape. I'm watching what I'm eatting and I'm concentrating on keeping myself in shape and really feeling good about myself. 
Here are my goals:

1. to have up to $3,000 bucks saved up
2, to be down to 260 pounds

I know I can do it. I have faith in myself that I'll be able to do both my goals..plus I've got 6 months to accomplish my goals..So I've got more then enough time to do it.

Man...I can't wait..to be surranded by fellow bears, cub, chasers, and others like me. To feel happy and free again. To feel sexy again..and perhaps this time..i'll hook up with more guys..

I still wonder whats going to happen between Anthony and I. Are we just going to be friends? Does he want anything more? I'm slowly working up the courage to ask him. I've dropped hints here and there about using the term boyfriend or "bearfriend"..I like that..but my friends are telling me not to think too far into the future about this..and to just take it slow..

ha..I guess I'm still thinking that my life is like a stupid coming of age romantic comedy.

so my interest in sportss

So today took an interesting twist..I was happy that the New York Jets won..against the Chargers..and I watched my first official Rugby match..it was the world cup..so I was a big deal. New Zealand won by a point..and they totally where just eating away at the clock for the last 10 minutes.
I could really get into Rugby..besides..the guys are total Hotties…and they play practically naked with no armor..that’s a real mans sport to me..

need I say more!!!!