How things have changed...

So, it's been a few months since last I wrote. So here is an update. I'm still 31, I'm still working at the hospital. Mom is still in a nursing home; she will be coming home in a few months. I've been cleaning and painting parts of the house with the help of Perice. I've been going through some major emotional changes and I have a boyfriend. yes..it's true..I actually have someone who gives a damn about me..it's kind of weird. I was so ready to give up on love and the next day..here he is.His name is Anthony Encarnacion (Tony) . yep he's puerto rican. Jerry is jealous; lol. So I've been spending a lot of time with Tony.  I was afraid at first cause he was on a different level then I was financially and he didn't have a car.. my biggest fear was being taken advantage of. But after a while my fears where put to rest. He's never asked me for money and I never mind paying for him at times. we took things slow..and funny thing is..I actually did take things slow. we waiting two months before we decided to make it official. We've been learning a lot about each other and every moment we spend together always ends up with  passionate fiery sex. ( Grinning and smiling as I wrote that part) My eyes still wonder; but I think that's okay.

It's so strange being in this position. I've been wanting a boyfriend for so long..I should be jumping up for joy..but I'm not. I'm content with this situation. truth be told I had my guard up; but after a while, I started to realize that him and I are alike in a few ways. we've both got big hearts, where both lonely, and where both hopeless romantics. Plus the Icing on the cake; he's a Gamer!!! jack pot baby.

he's a chub, and I'm loving it. he's just so nice to hold and kiss. And I don't know if it's really too soon..but even after two months and two weeks..he's in love with me; and I think I'm also in love with him. He just feels right. he's working on getting himself together and build a life for himself. So I've also decided to try and start putting my life together as well. I started working out today..and really watching what I put in my body. smoking is going to be the tough part. with my co-workers still smoking and me doing Night shifts..there are too many influences. But I'll tackle one issue at a time.

I go through my first day not drinking soda..so now lets see how my night goes. 

Trying to change

So I decided to make a change today..i've been feeling more and more unhealthy these last few weeks; and for a while it look like there was no end to it. But i'm going to do it..I need to do it. I've put if off way too long and I've let my fear take over for far too long.

I've been working on improving myself before but for other people's reactions and wishes. I worked out  for days, lost weight, changed my body to so that I could look pleasing to other. The goal was never for my self worth. Even now, i'm still struggling with the idea of going to the gym since even though I have a great boyfriend whom says I don't need to change a thing..that I just need to get healthy..I'm not pushing myself to look a certain way to please him..shit..he really wants me the way I am..But I shouldn't use that as an excuse to not try. I'm 31 years old..but i'm acting and feeling like i'm 3 years to retirement the way my body is acting.

My Before picture taken 9/11/2012 current weight 272 ponds

I've chosen to make a change and I'm going to do it. I need it. I'm tiered of looking at myself in the mirror night after night while playing videogames and just seeing a blob sit there..I'm going to start today. No more fear or hesitations..I will accept the pain knowing that it will past. I will start to cut down on the things I know that are bad for me..I think the only real tuff part will be the smoking..that's a separate battle in itself.

wish me luck..and I'll see you in a few months.

Traveling solo

I'm done. I'm done waiting for the right one to show up..I'm done with my heart being broken. I've given up hope of finding someone who will accept me with all my physical handicap's..I'm tiered of explaining myself to every guy I get close to..why I have hyposadious, why I'm HIV positive, why I have kelord scars on my stomach.  I'm done..I'm just done...

Time to start a new day

There are many things in this world I can't control. the way the world turns, people's reactions to the things other people say and do, I can't even control the guys I have crushes on to love me. All I know is that the only thing I can control is me. I can learn to control my reactions to people and my reactions to drama and negative thinking. I can even learn to control my health. Tonight while at work; I started looking up information on Dementia. How there are many different types of Dementia. Dementia brought on by having multiple strokes     (Vascular Dementia), (Infectious Dementia) brought on by Lyme disease and HIV; which is what scared me the most. There are types of dementia which are caused by hypertension, Diabetes, high blood pressure. Pretty much all the health problems my mother is suffering with.
I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to end up looking like my brother. Over 300 pounds. Another thing I've come to realize is that I can't control the future..I know I'll that I may never be as skinny as the other guys I see and idolize, but I know I can take steps to take care of my body. I've got to make some sacrifices.
I've got to start pushing myself to get better and healthier. .  I"m already declining on smoking regular cigarettes,  I've started drinking more water during the day then reaching for a bottle so soda. I just need to start back at the gym and start getting physical again. But also there's something else I need to work on. It's my mental health as well. my mind has been over whelmed with anxiety, fear and self-loathing,  I've given up on believing in myself. Thinking that I'm a bad person and a person who is going to fail. I need to face my fears. I need to start learning what my limitations are and start challenging them and over come them.

Buy Name of the Game on DVD | TLA Gay

Buy Name of the Game on DVD | TLA Gay

Im kind of pissed off at the world right now...

I'm 31 years old..and I'm single...that should sum up everything..but I think there's more to it..I feel lost. I feel as if I have no one close enough to me to really understand what I'm going through.. it seems every place I turn for guidance...I end up getting the short end of the stick..I try to find religion and all I found where nice people but who I can't trust. I try to ask my friends for guidance, I'm met with questionable eyes and having my ideas shot down.

I think I'm looking for a soultion to all my problems...my loneliness, my frustrations, my self hatred, and my shame...

I feel as if I'm still running in a race which everyone else has crossed the finish line hours ago...

So spring is finally here

So spring is finally here...so its time to see if I kept up with my resoultions from January..

Resoultion 1: stay healthy... nope..ate a big Mac last night at 2 in the morning..

Resoultion 2: manage my money better...nope just spent $300..on a new phone that I don't need..but its soo much fun.

Resoultion 3: start dating..well I've gone on two dates and they have both equaled zip..both guys rejected me after finding out I'm positive..so I'm ready to just give up and join the monks.

Resoultion 4: explore my surranding area and branch out more..I've done that..new York, my first mini road trip to upstate New York..

Resoultion 5: be kinder to my mom..done...

Resoultion 6: build a better bridge between my brother and I...not working..and I don't care anymore if it does..

So pretty much I've accomplished 2 out of my 5 goals for the new year and its only March!!!

Fun!! Now where did I place that vodka bottle....