Traveling solo

I'm done. I'm done waiting for the right one to show up..I'm done with my heart being broken. I've given up hope of finding someone who will accept me with all my physical handicap's..I'm tiered of explaining myself to every guy I get close to..why I have hyposadious, why I'm HIV positive, why I have kelord scars on my stomach.  I'm done..I'm just done...

Time to start a new day

There are many things in this world I can't control. the way the world turns, people's reactions to the things other people say and do, I can't even control the guys I have crushes on to love me. All I know is that the only thing I can control is me. I can learn to control my reactions to people and my reactions to drama and negative thinking. I can even learn to control my health. Tonight while at work; I started looking up information on Dementia. How there are many different types of Dementia. Dementia brought on by having multiple strokes     (Vascular Dementia), (Infectious Dementia) brought on by Lyme disease and HIV; which is what scared me the most. There are types of dementia which are caused by hypertension, Diabetes, high blood pressure. Pretty much all the health problems my mother is suffering with.
I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to end up looking like my brother. Over 300 pounds. Another thing I've come to realize is that I can't control the future..I know I'll that I may never be as skinny as the other guys I see and idolize, but I know I can take steps to take care of my body. I've got to make some sacrifices.
I've got to start pushing myself to get better and healthier. .  I"m already declining on smoking regular cigarettes,  I've started drinking more water during the day then reaching for a bottle so soda. I just need to start back at the gym and start getting physical again. But also there's something else I need to work on. It's my mental health as well. my mind has been over whelmed with anxiety, fear and self-loathing,  I've given up on believing in myself. Thinking that I'm a bad person and a person who is going to fail. I need to face my fears. I need to start learning what my limitations are and start challenging them and over come them.

Buy Name of the Game on DVD | TLA Gay

Buy Name of the Game on DVD | TLA Gay

Im kind of pissed off at the world right now...

I'm 31 years old..and I'm single...that should sum up everything..but I think there's more to it..I feel lost. I feel as if I have no one close enough to me to really understand what I'm going through.. it seems every place I turn for guidance...I end up getting the short end of the stick..I try to find religion and all I found where nice people but who I can't trust. I try to ask my friends for guidance, I'm met with questionable eyes and having my ideas shot down.

I think I'm looking for a soultion to all my problems...my loneliness, my frustrations, my self hatred, and my shame...

I feel as if I'm still running in a race which everyone else has crossed the finish line hours ago...

So spring is finally here

So spring is finally here...so its time to see if I kept up with my resoultions from January..

Resoultion 1: stay healthy... nope..ate a big Mac last night at 2 in the morning..

Resoultion 2: manage my money better...nope just spent $300..on a new phone that I don't need..but its soo much fun.

Resoultion 3: start dating..well I've gone on two dates and they have both equaled zip..both guys rejected me after finding out I'm positive..so I'm ready to just give up and join the monks.

Resoultion 4: explore my surranding area and branch out more..I've done that..new York, my first mini road trip to upstate New York..

Resoultion 5: be kinder to my mom..done...

Resoultion 6: build a better bridge between my brother and I...not working..and I don't care anymore if it does..

So pretty much I've accomplished 2 out of my 5 goals for the new year and its only March!!!

Fun!! Now where did I place that vodka bottle....

Get Outta My Way (Boys) Tribute [HD]

this is my anthem for this year!!!!

My Birthday

For the longest time I didn't care about turning 31..I was thinking it was just a number; nothing more nothing less. Then I started to think about all the times when I wish I could have done something big.. my 27th birthday in New York was great..I wanted something to top that..All I could think of was Go-Go Boys!! then I started thinking again and I continued thinking that why should I do anything..I should just count my blessings for being alive another year!!

I labeled this year as being the "year of Uncertainly" I have really nothing planed and I'm totally lost. And I'm okay with that..my mother is in the hospital...my house is falling apart, I'm still single and I may still be that way for a while. I'm trying not to worry about it. I'm truly uncertain about what path my life will take this new year.. but I'm going to try and keep myself optimistic..well as best as I can.

So what are my New Years Resolutions for this year?
I think it will be to keep breathing!!! no matter what happens..just keep breathing.

Happy 31st Birthday to me!!!